Tuesday, January 03, 2006

All about balls

About six months earlier, I saw a programme on CNN comedy central. It was the time when the Bush thing had appointed Wolfowitz as World bank president and Bolton as the US representative to the UN, inspite of all the opposition. Well using appropriate visuals and graphics the commentator argued that the balls (the testicles) of George Bush are significantly larger than normal human beings. The measurement showed an enlargement of at least an inch. I am not sure about the accuracy of their results, though it seems very plausible, but the show surely was a hearty laugh.

No, I am not thinking about testicles since that day. What I have been thinking is that despite embedded journalism and all, macho-patriotism and all, CNN can still laugh at the president of its motherland. It also showed the power of comedy in making a point. The tragedy with comedy is that nobody takes it seriously. And that is it greatest strength. Indian people and politicians have historically been anti-comedy. mahatma Gandhi, with his superb sense of humour, was an exception to this, but then Gandhi was Gandhi. he can't be compared to mortals. So much that, when the cartoonist Irfan of outlook tried to cross the line slightly by making serious cartoons, he was murdered. The murder has not yet been solved, neither will it be in the coming years.

Coming to the point. What about the size of the balls of some of the contemporary politicians of India. Of course, being an ardent follower of Indian custom and culture, I will leave the JUMMA (Jaya-Uma-Maya-Mamta-soniA) brigade out of this analysis. That will be obscene. Most of the analysis here is based on pure speculation, though I try to present my reasons humbly, the author takes no responsibility for its veracity. If it makes for better reading, the reader is advised to consider the post below as an outright lie. And in true hawala-kand style, I use the initials of the politicians.

MS : The day MS became the prime minister of India, because the default pm got a momentary attack of inner-voice-syndrome, was a very bad day for his balls. And since that day, MS's balls have been shrinking in size, a centimeter in diameter, with every threat of a pullout by Karat and company. The day he made that speech in oxford praising british raj for the IAS (the one that tries to safeguard its corruption meter by keeping file-notings out of the purview of RTI act) and IPS (the one that showers laathis on those honda mill workers in Gurgaon, and the one that showers bullets on peacefully demonstrating adivasis in Kalinganagar, Orissa), his balls halved its diameter. It again took a slump when he supported that IAEA declaration in response to Nicholas Burns' call. And with the impending visit of big-ball-bush, MS's ones will soon be not visible to the naked eye.

LKA : I can see the smirk on the reader's face by the mention of this name. Needless to say, after the surprise defeat of the India-shiners and the good-feelers in 2004 by those who were not feeling-so-good and whose india is not-so-shining, LKA's balls suddenly started growing in size. It went bigger dangerously, when he visited Pakistan to inaugrate that ancient temple. So the big balls of LKA saw Jinnah as a secular leader. The big balls saw the secular direct-action-day in 1946 (Led by a secular Jinnah) equivalent to the secular babri-marjid-demolition (led by secular LKA). After the big balls scored an own goal, the majority shareholder of those balls, cried foul. Technically (non-technically as well) the RSS does not have any kind of balls, but it decided to cut the big balls of LKA to size. So by the end of the year those big balls were made practically infertile by the no-balls people.

LPY : LPY has been the gift to the comic in India. What about his balls. Well, what about them? With 43 seats in Lok Sabha, and a very good friendship with that person with the inner-voice-syndrome, LPY's balls became massive in 2004. He made sure that being tainted is a positive thing, by putting his cohort Taslimuddin as a minister of state. He made sure that the self-confessed ISI agent Shahabuddin, is kept out of jail. And that Bihar remains Biharified forever. But after each great rise, comes the great fall. The fall came in late 2005, aided by a slight big-balling of Buta and the union cabinet during the early part of the year. With with the balls of LPY being put in place by the people of Bihar, there comes hope and cheer among many.

PK : Who is PK, reader misht ask? PK is the chief of that red party in our country, that got 68 seats in the parliament by more crook-than-hook. By fudging elections in West Bengal, the red-party has been able to gather enormous strength for the balls of its leader. So the balls started speaking, squeaking and sticking. These balls have grown even bigger now, and with the result of the assembly elections in WB almost pre-decided, there are no signs of them being shorter. So, PK continues happily conducting massive strikes forcing people to die, harping on non-issues like EPF rates which benefit the rich and filthy, and talking to that Bhattarai thing from Nepal dreaming an alternate social order where the enormity of PK's balls puts all other balls to shame.

Well, there are a thousand of other balls in our country. There are no-balls of NM (think Gujarat), wide-balls of SP (think Home), clinking-clanking-balls of RG (the heir apparent) and the lost-ball of HDDG (thing Karnataka). In all these balls there stands the ball of the author, which has sufferred from a momentary size inflator.


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